Advance Warning: Depressing Post Ahead!
Sorry guys I'm just feeling a bit down. Had a really bad day yesterday. It was my fiancé's first day back at work after the bank holiday and I guess I had got used to having him around. I thought I could cope on my own in the house. But that's not all, I started the day really happy, got up at 8:00 am (flippin' early for me), didn't eat until lunch but managed a walk to the pharmacy in the village to get my prescription back. I went to see my mum after lunch, came back home to wash and style my hair, had a go on the wii fit and watched some telly. My fiancé usually comes home at 6:10pm so I knew I didn't have long to wait until I could have dinner. So why did I binge at 5.55pm? Why do I do this to myself??? I won't even write what I ate, it's disgusting.
Then it all started...
"she's useless"
"waste of space"
"fat pig"
"she doesn't deserve to be happy"
(voices by the way)
And I just felt generally crap. I had been looking forward to going to Taekwondo all week and I didn't go.
"she doesn't deserve to be happy"
Taekwondo makes me happy. I have friends there. I should have said sod it I'm going but I didn't. I wasn't strong enough to go. Now I have to explain to people why I wasn't there and I can't exactly come out and say "Yeah the voices told me not to come" or anything like that.
I didn't even care that I'd binged, it was the fact that I had been stopped from doing something I love by something that isn't even real.
Sometimes I really hate myself.
Sometimes.
Today will be better. Today HAS to be better.
Tarte Au Success!
Posted by
Allie
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WAHEY! As you may be able to tell from the title, I attempted my tarte au citron again with the help of my fiancé and it must have been a success because he ate two slices! I didn't have any although it's looking tempting sitting in the fridge :-/
I'm eating vegan at the moment, I just feel cleaner like my body is detoxing or something. Today I've had carrots, sliced greens, tomatoes and hummus (god I love hummus), feeling good about it.
I had a nice walk to hampden park today and a session on the wii fit doing yoga, I'm really feeling good at the moment!
Voices not too bad, they're there but in the background. Haven't felt paranoid all day which is good, I'm worried about tomorrow because I will be alone until 6 pm and I hate being on my own because I get so bored and usually end up stuffing my face. Got to keep busy. I think I'll drive to the Tesco and buy some supplies. And cat food. We're running out of cat food.
Take care everyone
x
I'm eating vegan at the moment, I just feel cleaner like my body is detoxing or something. Today I've had carrots, sliced greens, tomatoes and hummus (god I love hummus), feeling good about it.
I had a nice walk to hampden park today and a session on the wii fit doing yoga, I'm really feeling good at the moment!
Voices not too bad, they're there but in the background. Haven't felt paranoid all day which is good, I'm worried about tomorrow because I will be alone until 6 pm and I hate being on my own because I get so bored and usually end up stuffing my face. Got to keep busy. I think I'll drive to the Tesco and buy some supplies. And cat food. We're running out of cat food.
Take care everyone
x
Tarte au Faliure...
Posted by
Allie
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OK so today I had this plan to make a tarte au citron, a recipie I found in a magazine, bought all the ingredients and then started. And failed. Spectacularily (sp?). The pastry broke while I was blind baking it and stuck to the parchment paper. I went nuts, started calling myself a faliure, an idiot, saying things like "Well I'm useless at cooking, I'm never going to be able to make anything I can't even get to step 2 on the recipie..." then I threw away the pastry case and the custard I had made for the filling.
Then my fiancé came up to me (after I'd finished my hissy fit) and told me not to give up. I felt rubbish and so he suggested that I could bake something else. So that's what I'm going to do this evening, chocolate valentine heart shaped sponges. I won't eat one myself, but I'll make them for him.
I had a whizz on the Wii Fit again, yoga again. I want to get into a habit of exercising for at least 30 minutes of gentle exercise a day, on top of the 3 times a week taekwondo (which isn't on tonight because of Good Friday - sad face). Today I missed breakfast, had half a small pot of hummus with a handful of carrots and cherry tomatoes. Dinner is a salad with beetroot and gherkins (love, love, LOVE gherkins), tomatoes, the rest of the hummus, cucumber and lettuce.
Then my fiancé came up to me (after I'd finished my hissy fit) and told me not to give up. I felt rubbish and so he suggested that I could bake something else. So that's what I'm going to do this evening, chocolate valentine heart shaped sponges. I won't eat one myself, but I'll make them for him.
I had a whizz on the Wii Fit again, yoga again. I want to get into a habit of exercising for at least 30 minutes of gentle exercise a day, on top of the 3 times a week taekwondo (which isn't on tonight because of Good Friday - sad face). Today I missed breakfast, had half a small pot of hummus with a handful of carrots and cherry tomatoes. Dinner is a salad with beetroot and gherkins (love, love, LOVE gherkins), tomatoes, the rest of the hummus, cucumber and lettuce.
An Apology to the Folks Across the Street...
Posted by
Allie
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I just accidentaly showed them too much flesh! FML!
In other news, just completed 35 minutes of yoga on the wii fit and feel great about it. It was a nice distraction from my problems, very relaxing - even if I kept falling over lol.
Other things that seem to help me when the voices/paranoia get bad are:
Listening to music through headphones to block out any other noises
Make a "Happy Scrapbook" - full of pictures and memories that make me feel happy
Focusing on something physically active (like wii fit), taekwondo patterns
Doing something to care for my pets
Talking to friends about random things
That's all I can think of for now, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to tell me them and I can try them out. A thing I have to keep remembering is that what could work for me might not work for someone else, so it's important not to feel like a faliure if you try something that doesn't work.
In other news, just completed 35 minutes of yoga on the wii fit and feel great about it. It was a nice distraction from my problems, very relaxing - even if I kept falling over lol.
Other things that seem to help me when the voices/paranoia get bad are:
Listening to music through headphones to block out any other noises
Make a "Happy Scrapbook" - full of pictures and memories that make me feel happy
Focusing on something physically active (like wii fit), taekwondo patterns
Doing something to care for my pets
Talking to friends about random things
That's all I can think of for now, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to tell me them and I can try them out. A thing I have to keep remembering is that what could work for me might not work for someone else, so it's important not to feel like a faliure if you try something that doesn't work.
New Blog
Posted by
Allie
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Well, I've finally taken the plunge and started a blog. I've been meaning to for quite a while.
A little about me:
I'm Allie, I'm 22 and I have a lot of issues - schizophrenia, depression, eating disorder - these will be explored. I have great friends and a wonderful fiancé. I like animals, music, sports (Taekwondo), science and reading. I hate snails (*shudders*). I am interested in mental health and wellbeing and I'm always here for people to share their stories and experiences in coping with mental health problems.
Today I haven't eaten at all (to make up for yesterday's humongous binge), I've been feeling happier, but I'm not sure if this is because I haven't eaten or not. I've hung out with one of my friends from taekwondo and got a little bit sunburnt. Just writing this while playing with my cat before I leave to pick my fiancé up from the train station. We are then going to KFC (I won't be eating).
I had my depot antipsychotic today as well. I was going to tell the nurse how I was really feeling, about the bad thoughts and stuff related to my eating issues but all I could get out of my mouth was "I'm fine." I find that when I try and communicate my eating problems people don't take me seriously because I'm not stick thin. Mind you, those who know me will realise that I have spent most of the last 7 year trying to communicate various problems to medical professionals without much luck until recently.
My psychotic symptoms have been relatively mild today, a few voices, but I was able to distract from them with music and art, not much paranoia (well if you don't count me wondering if everyone else thinks I'm fat) and my thoughts have seemed relatively fluid today (sometimes they can jump about a bit).
My friend who I saw earlier introduced me to "Poi" it's like where you swing balls on string around and it looks cool, well, if you can actually do it. I've got loads of practice to do on it.
That's all for now folks, just off into the garden to enjoy the rest of the sun before I have to go.
Take care all,
Allie
x
A little about me:
I'm Allie, I'm 22 and I have a lot of issues - schizophrenia, depression, eating disorder - these will be explored. I have great friends and a wonderful fiancé. I like animals, music, sports (Taekwondo), science and reading. I hate snails (*shudders*). I am interested in mental health and wellbeing and I'm always here for people to share their stories and experiences in coping with mental health problems.
Today I haven't eaten at all (to make up for yesterday's humongous binge), I've been feeling happier, but I'm not sure if this is because I haven't eaten or not. I've hung out with one of my friends from taekwondo and got a little bit sunburnt. Just writing this while playing with my cat before I leave to pick my fiancé up from the train station. We are then going to KFC (I won't be eating).
I had my depot antipsychotic today as well. I was going to tell the nurse how I was really feeling, about the bad thoughts and stuff related to my eating issues but all I could get out of my mouth was "I'm fine." I find that when I try and communicate my eating problems people don't take me seriously because I'm not stick thin. Mind you, those who know me will realise that I have spent most of the last 7 year trying to communicate various problems to medical professionals without much luck until recently.
My psychotic symptoms have been relatively mild today, a few voices, but I was able to distract from them with music and art, not much paranoia (well if you don't count me wondering if everyone else thinks I'm fat) and my thoughts have seemed relatively fluid today (sometimes they can jump about a bit).
My friend who I saw earlier introduced me to "Poi" it's like where you swing balls on string around and it looks cool, well, if you can actually do it. I've got loads of practice to do on it.
That's all for now folks, just off into the garden to enjoy the rest of the sun before I have to go.
Take care all,
Allie
x
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