I am baking cakes today - Lemon iced cupcakes. Just waiting for the ingredients to reach room temperature before I start. I'm baking them for a cake sale tomorrow (I think it's in aid of some sort of cancer charity but I'm not 100% on that - at least it's for a good cause). It's in Burgess Hill, and is part of what I'm doing tomorrow. Because... ... I have a Taekwondo competition tomorrow.
I am so rubbish at taekwondo I'll be lucky to come away with my dignity left intact, let alone a medal. Jeez, if my friend Michèle heard me say that she's tell me to shut up. I've entered to do patterns and sparring, and maybe I might enter tag team on the day.
Oh I guess the tide must be out (because I feel low)
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Allie
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I'm posting this from my iPhone so please bear with me if it doesn't work out ok.
Today I think I reached some sort of breaking point. I feel so low with voices and paranoid thoughts but mostly because of my eating problems. I binged then purged twice today, usually it's once a day or once every few days. I hate doing it but if I don't do it, my anxiety levels just build up and up and I can't cope with it. I don't even know how to get out of this cycle and I don't care. I've had thoughts of suicide today. Just fleeting thoughts. I'm not going to act on them even though they are very distressing.
I'm feeling so apathetic and lethargic I didn't do any housework like I said I would, I planned to do the vacuuming and some laundry but it never materialised into an action. I guess I will save it for tomorrow. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to say, I've tried implementing the ideas we discussed so I just feel like a faliure for not achieving. Hopefully I can keep busy and keep my mind away from any distress that is there.
I'm knitting a sweater. A bright yellow sweater. It's the first thing I've knitted that isn't a scarf. I'm not going to lie, it is hard But I'm getting there. I hope to finish it by the end of the week.
As a family (me, my fiancé and our pets) we are finding it hard to keep up with the rising cost of living and I think that is adding to my anxieties. I would say IRS keeping me awake tonight but I think the fact that I didn't get out of Ben until 1 might be what's keeping me awake. Ah well I had better try and wind down now.
Hope you're having a better time than me,
Allie x
Today I think I reached some sort of breaking point. I feel so low with voices and paranoid thoughts but mostly because of my eating problems. I binged then purged twice today, usually it's once a day or once every few days. I hate doing it but if I don't do it, my anxiety levels just build up and up and I can't cope with it. I don't even know how to get out of this cycle and I don't care. I've had thoughts of suicide today. Just fleeting thoughts. I'm not going to act on them even though they are very distressing.
I'm feeling so apathetic and lethargic I didn't do any housework like I said I would, I planned to do the vacuuming and some laundry but it never materialised into an action. I guess I will save it for tomorrow. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to say, I've tried implementing the ideas we discussed so I just feel like a faliure for not achieving. Hopefully I can keep busy and keep my mind away from any distress that is there.
I'm knitting a sweater. A bright yellow sweater. It's the first thing I've knitted that isn't a scarf. I'm not going to lie, it is hard But I'm getting there. I hope to finish it by the end of the week.
As a family (me, my fiancé and our pets) we are finding it hard to keep up with the rising cost of living and I think that is adding to my anxieties. I would say IRS keeping me awake tonight but I think the fact that I didn't get out of Ben until 1 might be what's keeping me awake. Ah well I had better try and wind down now.
Hope you're having a better time than me,
Allie x
Meeting New People
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Allie
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I've been experimenting with templates as you may be able to tell...TODAY
Today was a sad day but also quite a good day. As I said in an earlier post, my fiancé's grandad died last week and today was his funeral. I hadn't known him long but I feel privelidged (sp?) that I met him. I made vanilla cupcakes with icing and put a fruit pastille on the top of each one (his favourite sweets) - they went down really well, some people took some for their journey home. It was nice to hear stories about his grandad from others and celebrate his life. It still hasn't sunk in that I'll never see him again.
Of course, funeral = big family get-together. There were so many new people there. I was having kittens about it, really anxious that they were going to judge me or think I didn't deserve to be at the funeral or wake. I can't remember most of the names but hey-ho. I think I did ok, I felt like I didn't know where to stand during the wake, I spent plently of time getting in people's way and even choked on a chicken salad sandwich. Basically, another awkward day for Allie.
TOMORROW
I am working in the ECT suite again. It is SO rewarding to see people recover from some really dark places, I've never had ECT before or needed it but I have suffered severe mental distress so I can sort of identify with some of the patients. I think I've become more aware of peoples' differing mental health needs and I hope that I can keep on working in mental health so I can help make a difference.
ANYWAY
My community treatment order (CTO) is due up for renewal soon, for those who don't know, a CTO means that you have special rules you have to follow (take monthly anti-psychotic depot, attend meetings with doctors/nurses/social workers) and if you don't comply, the doctor has the legal power to "recall" you to hospital. I have a habit of stopping medication when I feel well, and that leads to relapse. The last relapse I had was traumatic, not just for me but also for everyone else involved. So, I have the decision to make as to whether I feel I can manage my own medication and health without the CTO forcing me to comply. I'm going to have to do it myself at some point, but am I ready now?
Happy week everyone,
Allie x
PS
I have raised prolactin levels so my medication may be going down from 75mg every 3 weeks to 50mg every 4 weeks. I hope I can still function on it, kinda nervous though
Today was a sad day but also quite a good day. As I said in an earlier post, my fiancé's grandad died last week and today was his funeral. I hadn't known him long but I feel privelidged (sp?) that I met him. I made vanilla cupcakes with icing and put a fruit pastille on the top of each one (his favourite sweets) - they went down really well, some people took some for their journey home. It was nice to hear stories about his grandad from others and celebrate his life. It still hasn't sunk in that I'll never see him again.
Of course, funeral = big family get-together. There were so many new people there. I was having kittens about it, really anxious that they were going to judge me or think I didn't deserve to be at the funeral or wake. I can't remember most of the names but hey-ho. I think I did ok, I felt like I didn't know where to stand during the wake, I spent plently of time getting in people's way and even choked on a chicken salad sandwich. Basically, another awkward day for Allie.
TOMORROW
I am working in the ECT suite again. It is SO rewarding to see people recover from some really dark places, I've never had ECT before or needed it but I have suffered severe mental distress so I can sort of identify with some of the patients. I think I've become more aware of peoples' differing mental health needs and I hope that I can keep on working in mental health so I can help make a difference.
ANYWAY
My community treatment order (CTO) is due up for renewal soon, for those who don't know, a CTO means that you have special rules you have to follow (take monthly anti-psychotic depot, attend meetings with doctors/nurses/social workers) and if you don't comply, the doctor has the legal power to "recall" you to hospital. I have a habit of stopping medication when I feel well, and that leads to relapse. The last relapse I had was traumatic, not just for me but also for everyone else involved. So, I have the decision to make as to whether I feel I can manage my own medication and health without the CTO forcing me to comply. I'm going to have to do it myself at some point, but am I ready now?
Happy week everyone,
Allie x
PS
I have raised prolactin levels so my medication may be going down from 75mg every 3 weeks to 50mg every 4 weeks. I hope I can still function on it, kinda nervous though
Pretending to be a Ninja
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Allie
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Hi again everyone, Allie calling!
Today (I think) so far has been a good day for me, even though it's only half 3. I haven't binged for the last two days and by the end of today will have made 3. We've had some sad news in the family, my fiancé's grandad passed away on Thursday. Yesterday we met my fiancé's parents at his nan's house to give her some support and we stayed for dinner. I usually get very anxious when I have to have dinner away from home or in front of lots of people but I had a nice healthy salad and I chose mostly vegetables and lean ham. But the point of this story is that I had dessert: Apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And it didn't trigger any binge urges. I'm so proud of myself for that.
I saw my psychologist on Thursday, which went well. She made me aware of the fact that my ED was getting to the stage it was at when I first saw her, which means that there is a path out of it because I recovered from it last year before relapsing.
Had taekwondo training today, a one-off fitness and sparring session. I was a bit nervous about going because I don't know many people who go to the other clubs (it was lots of clubs training today) but I was happy to see a friendly face on one lady who trains in Bexhill and is the same belt as me. I found out I am a bit poo at sparring although I think I've improved a bit. I also did patterns as I am entering a competition at the end of May to do patterns and sparring. The pattern I am doing is Do-San, and one of the black belts helped me fine tune it.
I guess the point of this post is to tell you all that I am feeling empowered, like I can actually move forward out of my own mental health problems and start out on the path towards a normal life. It's about time!
Oh and my rabbit has just chewed a big hole in my favourite jumper. He's the one in my profile pic...
Take care,
x Allie
Today (I think) so far has been a good day for me, even though it's only half 3. I haven't binged for the last two days and by the end of today will have made 3. We've had some sad news in the family, my fiancé's grandad passed away on Thursday. Yesterday we met my fiancé's parents at his nan's house to give her some support and we stayed for dinner. I usually get very anxious when I have to have dinner away from home or in front of lots of people but I had a nice healthy salad and I chose mostly vegetables and lean ham. But the point of this story is that I had dessert: Apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And it didn't trigger any binge urges. I'm so proud of myself for that.
I saw my psychologist on Thursday, which went well. She made me aware of the fact that my ED was getting to the stage it was at when I first saw her, which means that there is a path out of it because I recovered from it last year before relapsing.
Had taekwondo training today, a one-off fitness and sparring session. I was a bit nervous about going because I don't know many people who go to the other clubs (it was lots of clubs training today) but I was happy to see a friendly face on one lady who trains in Bexhill and is the same belt as me. I found out I am a bit poo at sparring although I think I've improved a bit. I also did patterns as I am entering a competition at the end of May to do patterns and sparring. The pattern I am doing is Do-San, and one of the black belts helped me fine tune it.
I guess the point of this post is to tell you all that I am feeling empowered, like I can actually move forward out of my own mental health problems and start out on the path towards a normal life. It's about time!
Oh and my rabbit has just chewed a big hole in my favourite jumper. He's the one in my profile pic...
Take care,
x Allie
Lemonade and Pepsi Max
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I've been drinking far too much diet lemonade (I like the Schweppes brand -3 litres for £1.79 at my local shop) and Pepsi Max. I'm using them as my coping mechanism at the moment, like turning to food for comfort, I am turning to low calorie fizzies to make me feel better. It's better on my waistline, I guess? Argh! My teeth! My uncle is a dentist so I usually play down how much of the bubbly stuff I drink and hide the 24 can packs of Pepsi Max whenever he comes over.
Work was good yesterday, I got chatting to one woman about the perils of men and I talked to another lady who was really depressed and suicidal. You'd think I'd feel depressed too being around people with severe depression, considering I have suffered from depression (pretty sure I still do), but I feel like I need to be positive in the hope that I can help the patients feel a little more positive. Even if they don't want me to talk to them or keep themselves to themselves, I'm still there if they need me.
I had a massive lie in today, I woke up at 11 am - shocking. Yesterday I managed to convince my psychiatrist to let me try an increased dose of my SSRI antidepressant because I'd heard that high doses of some SSRIs can help with bingeing and bulimic behaviours. So now I'm on the maximum dose of it now, and although I just started it today, I haven't binged for 2 days (it was touch-and-go though earlier), I've eaten healthy meals and I like it, I think I've achieved some sort of balance between needing so much control (restricting food) and having no control (binge/purging).
My mood today has been fairly positive even though I've not really done that much, I gave my mum a copy of the official Royal Wedding Album. Voices have been manageable today, just looking forward to phoning my fiancé tonight as he is away :)
Take care everyone,
Allie x
Work was good yesterday, I got chatting to one woman about the perils of men and I talked to another lady who was really depressed and suicidal. You'd think I'd feel depressed too being around people with severe depression, considering I have suffered from depression (pretty sure I still do), but I feel like I need to be positive in the hope that I can help the patients feel a little more positive. Even if they don't want me to talk to them or keep themselves to themselves, I'm still there if they need me.
I had a massive lie in today, I woke up at 11 am - shocking. Yesterday I managed to convince my psychiatrist to let me try an increased dose of my SSRI antidepressant because I'd heard that high doses of some SSRIs can help with bingeing and bulimic behaviours. So now I'm on the maximum dose of it now, and although I just started it today, I haven't binged for 2 days (it was touch-and-go though earlier), I've eaten healthy meals and I like it, I think I've achieved some sort of balance between needing so much control (restricting food) and having no control (binge/purging).
My mood today has been fairly positive even though I've not really done that much, I gave my mum a copy of the official Royal Wedding Album. Voices have been manageable today, just looking forward to phoning my fiancé tonight as he is away :)
Take care everyone,
Allie x
My brain is melting!!!
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I've been on the phone to my car insurance on hold for the last half an hour. All I want to do is cancel my policy! My brain is starting to shut down with the repetitive renditions of Mozart that I keep getting played to me. :-/
That and I really need a wee :-O
That and I really need a wee :-O
Appreciatons...
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Hey everyone, Allie is back!
I started my volunteering work at the local psych hospital on Friday, working in the ECT suite (electro-convulsive therapy- used to treat severe depression in some cases). I was there to chat to the patients (Who were really nice) and make them tea, coffee and toast after their treatment (the treatment involves a general anasthetic [sp?] so they can't eat beforehand). It was nice to hear their stories and have a chance to tell my stories of my own recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery... (notice I ended on 'recovery' there, I don't want to relapse ever again). What was a bit weird was talking to the patients before their treatment and then after. ECT can make your memory go a bit fuzzy and it was strange to see people who had appeared so alert and ok before the treatment struggling to remember what day it was afterwards. But at the end of my 4 hour shift, the head nurse said that they had appreciated the time I had given and I made a difference. So I appreciate that I was given the opportunity to make a difference.
I also appreciate how much my fiancé does for me, even without realising it. He argues with me all the time, if I say I'm fat, he says I'm beautiful, if I say I'm useless, he points out the ways in which I'm not. I don't know if he ever reads my blog but if he does cast his eye over it, I want him to know that I really love him and he has such a big place in my heart.
I appreciate my friends, both friends I have a real world relationship with and those who I talk to on the internet sometimes. I would be nothing without you, thank you for not giving up on me.
I appreciate the fact that my mum has a smile for me everytime I go and see her, despite the fact that she suffered a stroke and her recovery hasn't been as good as was expected. When I visit her, she is often in a low mood, hanging her head, but as soon as she sees me, her face lights up and I know that even though I may never hear her tell me that she loves me, I know she does.
Food wise - 3 days binge free and counting. Things are starting to come together :)
If you're reading this, thank you, I appreciate that too.
x Allie
I started my volunteering work at the local psych hospital on Friday, working in the ECT suite (electro-convulsive therapy- used to treat severe depression in some cases). I was there to chat to the patients (Who were really nice) and make them tea, coffee and toast after their treatment (the treatment involves a general anasthetic [sp?] so they can't eat beforehand). It was nice to hear their stories and have a chance to tell my stories of my own recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery... (notice I ended on 'recovery' there, I don't want to relapse ever again). What was a bit weird was talking to the patients before their treatment and then after. ECT can make your memory go a bit fuzzy and it was strange to see people who had appeared so alert and ok before the treatment struggling to remember what day it was afterwards. But at the end of my 4 hour shift, the head nurse said that they had appreciated the time I had given and I made a difference. So I appreciate that I was given the opportunity to make a difference.
I also appreciate how much my fiancé does for me, even without realising it. He argues with me all the time, if I say I'm fat, he says I'm beautiful, if I say I'm useless, he points out the ways in which I'm not. I don't know if he ever reads my blog but if he does cast his eye over it, I want him to know that I really love him and he has such a big place in my heart.
I appreciate my friends, both friends I have a real world relationship with and those who I talk to on the internet sometimes. I would be nothing without you, thank you for not giving up on me.
I appreciate the fact that my mum has a smile for me everytime I go and see her, despite the fact that she suffered a stroke and her recovery hasn't been as good as was expected. When I visit her, she is often in a low mood, hanging her head, but as soon as she sees me, her face lights up and I know that even though I may never hear her tell me that she loves me, I know she does.
Food wise - 3 days binge free and counting. Things are starting to come together :)
If you're reading this, thank you, I appreciate that too.
x Allie
Taekwondo Tuesday
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Hey everyone, Allie here.
Today I went to taekwondo after a 2 week break. And boy, did I feel it and boy will I feel it tomorrow. We did a mixture of everything, I liked doing synchronised patterns but then I love doing patterns so there. Did a bit of sparring but my fitness is letting me down. Take up running tomorrow, I feel.
Apart from that, I messed up my binge free May. I didn't even want to binge/purge but I did. Still trying to work out why I did it. Seriously if it ever crosses your mind to do what I do: DON'T it's the hardest cycle to get out of and doesn't actually achieve anything. It just messes you up even more.
My mum was happy today, she's sewing a Chelsea football club cross stitch thingymajiggy whatever they are called (??). I got her some new colouring pencils and we sat singing along to music in the day centre where she lives.
Right I can just feel my meds kicking in now so I will love you and leave you and try and get some shut-eye before tomorrow.
Have a good day everyone,
x
Today I went to taekwondo after a 2 week break. And boy, did I feel it and boy will I feel it tomorrow. We did a mixture of everything, I liked doing synchronised patterns but then I love doing patterns so there. Did a bit of sparring but my fitness is letting me down. Take up running tomorrow, I feel.
Apart from that, I messed up my binge free May. I didn't even want to binge/purge but I did. Still trying to work out why I did it. Seriously if it ever crosses your mind to do what I do: DON'T it's the hardest cycle to get out of and doesn't actually achieve anything. It just messes you up even more.
My mum was happy today, she's sewing a Chelsea football club cross stitch thingymajiggy whatever they are called (??). I got her some new colouring pencils and we sat singing along to music in the day centre where she lives.
Right I can just feel my meds kicking in now so I will love you and leave you and try and get some shut-eye before tomorrow.
Have a good day everyone,
x
Care Programme Approach (CPA) Review
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Allie
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I had one of these on Thursday. Basically they are just follow up appointments to check in how you're getting on and so on and so forth.
I'm not even sure what to make of it. I remember days when I used to dread going to see my psychiatrist because I knew the chances of me leaving having accomplished some form of communication were very slim. But when I went in there on Thursday the mood was quite light and we even joked that we might as well watch the Royal Wedding seeing as our taxes are paying for it... True.
But actually I think I accomplished something there. They recognised my eating problems as contributing to my overall mental well-being and we got started thinking about what could be done. The eating disorder people won't look at me because my BMI is too high, which is stupid because a) not everyone with a low BMI has an ed and b) not everyone with an ed has a low BMI. So another option is to see a dietician... I don't even know if I'm ready to recover.
I'm viewing May this year as a time for regeneration in myself. I'm aiming for the next 31 days to be binge free and vegan, getting into an exercise habit and using the time I have free to to improve myself and my mental state. I have a few goals I want to be able to review at some point and tick off:
1. Taekwondo at least twice a week
2. Yoga at least 5 times a week for half an hour
3. Do something everyday that makes a difference to someone, without being asked to
4. Stop wearing baggy clothes to hide my body and actually embrace what I've got with nice clothes (This may take a lot of work).
I loved the Royal Wedding on Friday, Kate looked so beautiful. It's got me thinking about what I want for my own wedding, if I ever get married, or will I be just engaged forever??
Hope not.
Enjoy the May Day bank holiday x
I'm not even sure what to make of it. I remember days when I used to dread going to see my psychiatrist because I knew the chances of me leaving having accomplished some form of communication were very slim. But when I went in there on Thursday the mood was quite light and we even joked that we might as well watch the Royal Wedding seeing as our taxes are paying for it... True.
But actually I think I accomplished something there. They recognised my eating problems as contributing to my overall mental well-being and we got started thinking about what could be done. The eating disorder people won't look at me because my BMI is too high, which is stupid because a) not everyone with a low BMI has an ed and b) not everyone with an ed has a low BMI. So another option is to see a dietician... I don't even know if I'm ready to recover.
I'm viewing May this year as a time for regeneration in myself. I'm aiming for the next 31 days to be binge free and vegan, getting into an exercise habit and using the time I have free to to improve myself and my mental state. I have a few goals I want to be able to review at some point and tick off:
1. Taekwondo at least twice a week
2. Yoga at least 5 times a week for half an hour
3. Do something everyday that makes a difference to someone, without being asked to
4. Stop wearing baggy clothes to hide my body and actually embrace what I've got with nice clothes (This may take a lot of work).
I loved the Royal Wedding on Friday, Kate looked so beautiful. It's got me thinking about what I want for my own wedding, if I ever get married, or will I be just engaged forever??
Hope not.
Enjoy the May Day bank holiday x
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